“There's a rumor that if you catch a Drifblim floating on the wind at dusk, you'll be carried away to the afterlife.” “It grabs people and Pokemon and carries them off somewhere. When its body starts to deflate, it's thought to carry away people and Pokemon.” “The raw material for the gas inside its body is souls. “Some say this Pokemon is a collection of souls burdened with regrets, silently drifting through the dusk.” Do you know Drifblim? The cute balloon lad that looks like it’s dressed up to attract kids at a party? Let’s go through its Pokedex entries for Sword, Ultra Moon, Shield, and Ultra Sun in that precise order. I reckon one of the most concerning cases in Pokemon history outweighs all of the above by a long shot. Funny how trainers are literally forced to view their Pokemon’s backs at all times, eh? You nab yourself a Shedinja, you better get your will in order.
Shedinja has a similar effect - if you peer into the crack on its back, you die. Mimikyu, after having its cutesy disguise broken, involuntarily and instantly kills anyone who looks at it. Palossand castles conceal “masses of dried-up bones from those whose vitality it has drained.” Houses where Chandelure is used in place of a non-sentient chandelier constantly host family funerals. Speaking of souls, Spectrier can punt yours right out of your body. You want to live in a world where this can happen while you’re waddling home from the pub? Don’t lie. “The soul is the only thing eaten - Dusknoir disgorges the body before departing.” So this big, scary ghost lad takes orders from a parallel dimension, steals people against its own will, and devours their soul before regurgitating their life-depleted body. “With the mouth on its belly, Dusknoir swallows its target whole,” says Shield’s Dex. “No one knows whether it has a will of its own.” “At the bidding of transmissions from the spirit world, it steals people and Pokemon away,” reads its Sword description. The real problem lies with Dusclops’ evolution, Dusknoir. This Pokemon will absorb anything into its body, but nothing will ever come back out.” A bit eerie - ominous, even - but, you know, just stay away and that. It is said that its body is like a black hole. “Dusclops' body is completely hollow,” reads the Beckon Pokemon’s Dex entry in Pokemon Ruby. The funny thing is, Gengar is nowhere near the most bloodcurdling. Given how prevalent pocket monsters are in the games and anime, that’s a whole lot of ghosts knocking about. Give up! If that’s not the most foreboding warning of all time, what is? For context, Ghost Pokemon are the second rarest type in the Pokemon world, but they still constitute 6.55 percent of all known ‘mons. “There is no escaping a golden retriever,” Google says. You type a description into Google to find out what breed it is. “Should you feel yourself attacked by a sudden chill, it is evidence of an approaching Gengar,” the description reads. In its Pokedex entry for Sun, we get some valuable and petrifying information about what a chance encounter with Gengar might actually entail. Consider Gengar, one of Gen 1’s most enduringly popular Pokemon. While we’ve all heard the stories about Lavender Town and Hypno, it’s important to note that everything in Pokemon is terrifying, actually. This has been the case ever since Red & Blue launched over 25 years ago. Related: Parasect Is The Scariest Pokemon Ever Then it dawned on me: why on Earth would I want to live in a world where ghosts roam free, devouring people’s souls, spirit, and vitality? Given that it’s officially spooky season, I thought it was worth writing a Halloween-inspired piece on why Pokemon is the scariest shit that ever existed. I’d often look to the sky, convinced that planes were, in fact, Ho-oh.
I used to bring a plastic bucket and spade out my back garden and scour the muck for Diglett. What’s that? Pokemon is lovely? It sure is, right up until it isn’t. Such a wonderful concept - shame it’s a great big facade for the most horrific universe ever conceived by the human mind. The brilliant post-scarcity world where little kids get to ditch school and leg it around with magical creatures, never needing to worry about money or education or proper careers.